don't get mad - get active.

minor update

2008-01-04T12:53:00.000-06:00

Currently in the bank, $5 and change.
Rent (due 4 days ago), $440
Sidekick bill, due... I don't even want to think of how many days ago because I'm sure I'm on the verge of disconnection, $30
...I suppose I should also try and factor in what I'd need to get food, subway fare -- maybe even see a doctor some time down the road! But for now I am just aiming for those two.

Money aside, there's been really exciting things going on. I've been getting involved with planning a climate justice confluence in the Northeast this summer, and that will be an awesome way for activists all over the region to network.

I've been contemplating a change of schools, because Brown is great but with money issues I feel like I'll just be stagnating forever, trying to figure out how to make it through crazy-high tuition, and I do want to finish college so I'd rather not put that off forever for the sake of attending my 'dream' school; that's one dream I guess I'll just have to let go of.

I'm quite interested in starting a radical/community-based mental health collective in Boston. Need to find interested people, brainstorm how to get this off the ground.

(A?)morality of nonviolence

2007-11-11T20:04:00.000-06:00

This weekend we went to a conference at Hampshire College on animal rights, and before the conference there was a lot of sound and fury over Jerry Vlasak being invited to speak, because of the highly controversial statements he's made.

But this isn't a post about whether or not he should have been allowed to speak. This is, though, a post thinking about the things he said that got everyone all in a tizzy; namely, statements affirming the validity of employing violence as a tactic. If you google Jerry Vlasak you will find a lot of "Jerry Vlasak says to go kill scientists!" stuff, where what he actually said was that for people who can be convinced no other way to stop murdering animals, employing violence against them is morally justifiable. I know, I know, semantics: but it is an important distinction. Also important is to keep in mind context (which is inevitably left out), which is that the remarks were, just as this post, an academic discussion about tactics/ethics. Philosophizing about the morality of violence isn't at all the same as urging people to commit it.

But thinking about it brought to mind some questions that I've been discussing with people:

1) Is violence ever a morally justifiable tool?

2) If violence is ever a morally justifiable tool (e.g., self-defence, defence of innocent life/prevention of more violence), are there ever times it is amoral not to exert force?

3) (Which is really just reiterating the firsts in slightly more concrete terms): If there are things occurring such as murder, torture, etc., and you are in a position where you can stop it (by any means necessary; such as force if no other solutions are viable), and you do not do so, is that wrong? (If someone is standing in front of you with a gun to a child's head, and diplomacy has failed, is it wrong to take a sledgehammer to their head? Is it wrong not to, if you have the opportunity and you know that not killing the abuser will mean the death of the innocent party?)

Which all leads to question 4) If animal liberationists truly believe that animals have just as much right to live as the rest of us, that taking their lives is murder, then are they in violation of their own moral code if they fail to take necessary steps to prevent such killings?

I also would like to add that these questions have nothing to do with what anyone's views on animal lib are, and that clearly if animal liberationists use force to prevent the killing of animals, they are in violation of the law and probably in violation of a whole lot of other people's moral codes. But I'm not trying to answer the question of the sanctity of animal life here -- that's a whole other question. I am questioning whether or not, if someone truly believes in the sanctity of a life, does that equal ethical justification or even obligation to protect it, when the opportunity arises?

I'd also like to point out that I am not arguing one way or another about any of this. Construing questions as arguments assumes you know what my answers would be, and I assure you, you don't. I'm just thinking.

N.B., These questions apply equally to anyone who espouses belief in the sanctity of any life; the same question could be applied to pro-lifers.

The Road goes ever on and on

2007-09-30T10:40:00.000-05:00

Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

Once again, I have moved -- back to the East Coast, once more. I am not sure how long I will stay. I am never quite sure of anything, anymore. It has been quite some time since I have been stably anywhere; I seem to live in a constant state of quasi-transience.

I'm not sure this is a bad thing, but I don't think it is a good one. It is, at the least, an exhausting one.

I spent my last evening in Chicago with someone who was perhaps the first friend I had in the city, and who I had not actually seen or even really spoken to in over two years. It was strange but nice, and perhaps a fitting end to my time there, like completing a circle and ending with something that was there at the beginning.

I'm not sure what I'll be doing with myself here. I don't yet have a job, but I'm looking. I want to get back to college eventually, but don't know if I ever will. Right now I mostly am just concerned with rent-paying and food-getting, and reading a lot, and trying, largely unsuccessfully, to sleep.

Oh, and getting a new laptop. Especially with hearing problems, not having a computer is really very doubleplus ungood, but I really can't afford one in the slightest. Irksome, since I can't use a phone.

Relax, it's just sex.

2007-08-28T15:10:00.000-05:00

I've always been confused about why prostitution is criminal, but pornography is legal. I mean, really, it's pretty much the same thing, only with a camera added. This makes no sense to me.

But pornography is safer (in a not getting yourself axe-murdered sort of way) and legal and pays better. But, also, easier for people to point to twenty years down the road and go zOMG.

Hrm.

PEOPLE, STOP CALLING ME.

2007-08-15T21:56:00.000-05:00

SERIOUSLY.

I can't hear! Ears. Not functioning. I am not ignoring you because I don't like you, I am ignoring you because I am incapable of using the telephone.

Also, I'm not in school anymore, so please stop asking me questions about Brown, too! I'm on medical leave. I am hoping to get back there eventually -- we'll see how it goes!

Change?

2007-06-10T12:17:00.001-05:00

It's a good thing. Sometimes a necessary thing! I'm going to be travelling for a bit. Atlanta for the US Social Forum, among other places.

The past little while I have been really, really super annoyed that when I was home before my father stole my multitool and knives, because I have a two and a half mile walk to work every day, and on my way there I walk it in the dark, and it feels odd having no protection on me. And the multitool was just a SUPER DELICIOUS YUMMY Leatherman (this one to be exact) and they make awesome multitools and there have been so many countless times when doing something or other I have need for one of the tools on it and then am like OH YEAH I don't HAVE it anymore and really it is too expensive (and so were the knives) to be replaced -- seriously, well over $300 worth of equipment all told.

I was just thinking about it because I really want pliers right now. Argh.

Jax [April 15, 1984 - March 11, 2007]

2007-03-14T14:38:00.000-05:00

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there is hatred let me bring love
Where there is injury, your pardon Lord
And where there is doubt, true faith in You

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where theres sadness ever joy

Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
to be loved as to love with all my soul

Make me a channel of your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
It is in giving to all man that we receive

And in dying that we're born to eternal life.

It seems like so much of my life consists of death. And yet -- I will miss Jax. More than I can say. I will. It hurts so much, and yet --

And yet, at the same time, I am strangely peaceful about it. He was an amazing person, and that prayer -- his favorite! -- he embodied it to the fullest. I have no doubt, at all, whatsoever, that he is with God now. That does not do much to stop the ache of losing him, but. But it is something.

[His husband played the hymn on his violin at the funeral. They buried him -- a green burial -- on his farm. Ryan was overwhelmed by how many people showed up -- after all, Jax spent 'most all his time on the farm, rather secluded, but they showed up, from his school, from his church, from everywhere, and I am not surprised. Jax's father did not show up. I am disappointed, but also not surprised.

Nobody wore black, and that is how it should be.]

Funshine Bear...

2007-02-11T18:36:00.000-06:00

Two years ago today Shymmer died. Two years ago on Valentine's Day I got on a stage and spoke about him at Equality Maryland's rally, and about all the other queer kids who face the same discrimination, bigotry, hatefulness that he faced.

I miss him, achingly much. Thinking about his death makes me angry -- at the people who mistreated him, yes, but at myself, too, because I'm not doing anything anymore; my life has fallen to pieces and I'm certainly not doing anything good or worthwhile. And as long as people to continue sitting around not doing anything worthwhile, all the discrimination and bigotry and hatefulness will continue.

And I'm just not sure these days what, if anything, I can even do to make even the tiniest difference.

(and I miss him.)

hey, dad, i'm an anarchist...

2006-10-16T00:58:00.000-05:00

...it's not a phase and it's not a disease
and though my hands are worn for my age
would you still hold one of them please?
i just want you to know that i love you
and i want you to love me too
right now i'm not sure where home is
but i'm sure there's room there for you
i want the same thing as every other homesick patched-up kid in this crowd
i want my dad to look at me; i want him to be proud.

yusyus. Riotfolk. Mmm. Evan Greer played in Providence tonight. More mmm. That was fun. That was refreshing. I don't really know other anarchists in Providence. It was nice to spend an evening just... being with other radicals.

I am a big step closer to happy, now. I'll get there, one day.

September is ending already?

2006-09-30T12:07:00.000-05:00

I hate being poor. I hate that $2.50 to do my laundry is -- literally -- too much to afford (I have $2.48 to my name.)

I am glad that, living in the dorms, on meal plan, I have shelter now and more food than I could ever eat.

I hate that, come winter, I will likely be homeless once more, because the next semester is too much to afford (laundry too much to afford; tuition that much moreso!)

I am enjoying my classes an incredible amount, and strangely happy in the amount of work I am buried under.

I am sad that these classes may well be the only I ever take.

I am happy because I am now a Eucharistic Minister for the Brown-RISD Catholic community, and it is good to have something to remind me to remember God in my daily life, because under the weight of so much school-work and work-work and volunteer-work sometimes, it is so easy to forget Him.

I am sad, because, there are times that I give in to despair and get angry with God, and really believe that He has abandoned me. And I should not listen to those feelings.

Cripes.

2006-09-02T22:28:00.000-05:00

Over $350 for books alone... and that's only with the classes I'm sure of. No idea what it'll be after shopping period's over.

Yeesh.

One CS book alone is $80 -- thank goodness I am not taking something like Economics. One of their books is $130. Yikes.

College. Dang.

2006-08-31T15:09:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm here. Finally! -- I'm writing this from my dorm at Brown.

Strange, what a struggle it's been getting here.

Not that that struggle is yet over -- I have just under $50 in the bank with which to buy books and everything else I might need this semester! -- this should be interesting.

And I still have no way at all to pay for my second semester, so most likely this will be the only semester I complete at school; once this is done and my scholarship money runs out I shall return to -- sheesh, where? I don't have a home to go back to.

I'd better make this semester a good one, then.

I don't know what to do anymore...

2006-06-22T08:17:00.000-05:00

Things just seem to be getting worse and worse with this school thing, and I don't know what to do anymore. After the last communication I blogged about, it seemed like things were going to get better. I wrote them and told them that I had indeed confirmed my intention to go to Brown and I even had the fax confirmation to prove it.

They said that it was their mistake and sometimes things get lost; it was no problem and that they would put me back in their system and mail out my acceptance packet with all the forms I had to fill out the very next day.

The next day I get a phone call saying that they did not, in fact, mail out my acceptance packet because first I had to talk to the people at financial aid and clear up my financial aid status. They said the financial aid people would be calling me that week. They didn't call; instead I got a letter saying that if I did not apply for financial aid and comply with all the financial aid requirements and deadlines by June 16, I could not come to Brown.

Now, here are the problems with this:

First, I've been talking to Brown Financial Aid for over a year now. They said in no uncertain terms that applying for financial aid would be pointless as they will not consider me an independent and no matter what I do, I have to get my parents' compliance with filling out the forms. That is not going to happen; last time I talked to my parents about this they told me, basically, screw you, you're on your own. I told my parents I didn't want their money but despite the fact that they don't consider me their child anymore, legally I still am their dependent and in Brown's eyes nothing I can do will change that. So, since my parents won't cooperate, I can't apply for financial aid from Brown, and I decided not to apply for financial aid from the university at all, since I was getting an outside scholarship.

Second, even if I could theoretically get my parents to comply, they sent me a letter at the beginning of June telling me that I had to comply with all the deadlines - the last of which passed in April. So, I get a note saying you can't come to Brown unless you meet a deadline that passed a month and a half ago.

Third, they can't force me to apply for financial aid from them, can they? They were saying that although I had already been accepted, they were simply going to withhold the forms I had to fill out in order to go to school untill I applied for financial aid. How is that even allowed? They do not force every single incoming freshman to apply for financial aid, how can they force me? So long as I get them their money on time, why is it their business if I ask them to help or if I get a scholarship from outside?

Anyway, I wrote back saying pretty much exactly that: My parents are not going to cooperate; it isn't right that you force students who come from families that don't care about them/are abusive to go back and deal with their parents like this; I'm getting a scholarship from an outside group and after a year of talking with your financial aid office I'm not applying for financial aid anyway, so I don't understand this letter.

After a lot more arguing with the financial aid director, he said that I did not need to apply for financial aid after all, so that part of the problem was cleared up.

Once I got word from him that my financial aid status was cleared up with their office, I wrote back to the admissions people saying I'd talked with financial aid, the problem was over, so please send my admissions packet now because I've certainly missed some deadlines and I don't want to reach August and have them say I can't come to Brown because I never returned forms that I was never given in the first place.

Since I wrote them back, I have gotten no reply. I've left messages that have never been returned. My emails are ignored.

I am getting pissed as all hell. It seems that their new tactic is just to completely ignore me until it is too late to come to Brown. I don't even understand this. How am I supposed to deal with that?

I know that to the people sitting in all the offices at Brown, I'm just some annoying case they are tired of dealing with, but I think maybe they've been working in bureaucratic administration for so long that they forget that to the students trying to go to college, this means our whole future.

I swear, I'm about ready to give up on life.

So. Frustrated.

2006-05-21T11:16:00.000-05:00

So, when you defer admission from Brown for a year, you have to contact them in February before you enroll to confirm whether or not you'll actually be coming (so they know how many new students they can accept for the following year.) You get a letter at the end of Jan, beginning of Feb, and it says to please reply letting them know for sure if you'll be there or not. I moved back in November, and I wrote to the people in charge of deferrals there with my new address. Nevertheless, they sent the letter to my OLD address and by the time it was forwarded to me, I didn't get the letter saying "please reply by X date" until a few days after the deadline.
No worries. I called them and explained and they said it wasn't a problem at all, just send them in a fax as soon as I could and it would be okay. So the very next day, I went to kinko's and did just that. Sent a fax, saying I was indeed coming the next year, and informing them again of my new address.

Then, in April, you are supposed to get the BIG envelope - you know, the one you wait for excitedly(/nervously) if you are only just applying, the one with all the forms you have to fill out and information for you and all. But I never got it, so mid-April I wrote to them again saying, maybe my address hasn't been updated in the system, I never got all that information I needed, and if I don't get it soon I'll miss the deadline again on some of those forms I have to return. I never got an answer, so I called. They sent me to talk to someone else, who told me the person I should email. So I emailed her. Five days later, I get a call from someone ELSE at the admissions office. I was out; she left two messages. I called back, and got no answer, just her secretary's voicemail (it's impossible to get real people at college, apparently, you just get people's secretaries.) I called about 4 more times this week, and every time got the secretary's voicemail. Friday I left a message on the secretary's voicemail, then wrote to say that I'd left a message on the secretary's voicemail.

This morning at 9 the woman emails me.

Dear Ms Marcel-Keyes,

I have tried to reach you to discuss your situation and left several messages on your home telephone number, but have not heard back from you so I wanted to at least begin the discussion by email.

Since you did not reconfirm by contacting us last February, we removed you from the list of enrolling students. We can still make a place for you in the Class of 2010, however, the financial aid situation will not be as optimistic, so it is important that you and I speak before you decide whether or not to enroll next fall.

Please contact me as soon as possible at xxx-xxx-xxxx to discuss this. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

[Woman I've been trying to reach all week]

Sometimes I think God just doesn't want me to go to school. I'm going to scream.

Anyway, I called her back as soon as I checked my mail (about an hour and a half after she'd sent it) but nobody answered, so I left another message on her secretary's voicemail (which is now full. I tried calling back 20 minutes later, but I can't even leave any more messages because the box is full.) and then emailed just about everyone I have spoken to so far in the admissions office letting them know that a) I did reconfirm in February, by phone, email, and fax exactly as they said I should and b) I've been trying to reach someone all week and all I ever get is secretaries' voicemails.

Gah. Why does nothing ever work out as planned?

21!

2006-05-20T14:36:00.000-05:00

... or, you know, I will be soon.

Tuesday it's my birthday. Not the greatest of times. I'm in Chicago without any friends, and last year on my birthday Matty killed himself, and this morning I woke up and my pet rat is really, really, sick, and I spent all my rent money taking him to the vet and he's still just going to die; and someone I love a whole lot is leaving the country for two years so I don't know when I'll see him next... and anyway now this year I have a feeling it will be teh suck. I'm not really feeling like celebrating. What's there to celebrate?

I'm homesick. I miss my Anjuls.

College? Life? What?

2006-05-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about school in the fall. To be honest, I'm rather nervous. Financially, I'm still unsure how I will get through college. And I've been out of school so long I'm nervous about whether I'll be able to keep up with an Ivy-League workload.

Mostly, though, I'm just worried about how I'll finance this. I'm sure if I manage to get there, I'll find a way to make it work. I usually do.

I lied.

2006-03-22T17:57:00.000-06:00

About updating last night, post-speech. I didn't update again last night. I did other things: wander up and down Commonwealth Avenue, buy potato chips and cheeseless pizza, stare out of the window of my hotel room at nothing much, fall asleep next to my ex-boyfriend's very drunk husband. But I didn't update.

The talk went alright, I think. The kids were nice. I was nervous, but semi-coherent. I got through it. There isn't a whole lot more to say, I guess.

It's hard to talk about Shymmer and Remyremy and all that. Too many memories.

Today, I had lunch with one of the other Point scholars who I love, and then wandered around Cambridge with Dex. Spent more money than I should have (ANY money is more than I should) at Newbury Comics, but how could I pass up a used copy of Gothika for $3.99, or the first TMNT movie?

We were going to go see Brokeback Mountain, or maybe V for Vendetta; but instead we went back to my hotel room, ate more salt & vinegar chips, and watched movies with horrible tinny laptop-speaker sound: Gothika, The Time Machine. I watched them with my head on his chest, homesick, wishing these moments with my Anjuls weren't so rare, these days.

If the check for this speech comes any time soon, I can pay bills. Pay rent. Maybe even eat. That will be exciting.

boston, boston, boston

2006-03-21T17:20:00.000-06:00

... that's where I am, today. Last time I checked, this speech was a long way away. And then today I woke up in a hotel in Boston and the speech was today. I'm nervous. I'm leaving in 9 minutes to go speak and as of right now, I haven't much idea what I'm going to say. I'll have to ad lib. For 45 minutes.

I'll update later tonight and let you all know how it went.

I'm Mol, and I'm a street medic

2006-02-28T14:35:00.000-06:00

Yep, I've been trained.
Well, okay, I've been trained again. I've been trained up and down and sideways; by the Red Cross, by Gavin & Skyzombie, by life (good old OJT - you learn a few things after watching friends get shot and stabbed and beaten half to death, after being with them through cancer and AIDS and diabetic emergencies.)

This weekend it was good to refresh myself - remember what I'd forgotten (it has been, after all, over a year since I last ran - J20 was the last time I ran as a medic) and learn a few new things.

Though I was rather sad that we didn't get to cover how to treat zombie-related injuries (and, of course, how to care for any zombies that might potentially be injured, too!)

I think one of the coolest things about the weekend was that we fed two dozen people, and had a ton of food left over at the end - without spending a cent. Seriously, we dumpstered so much stuff. Vegetables, pies, donuts, bagels (curse the sesame seeds) - even, strangely, a few dozen wheels of Brie cheese. It kind of makes me sad, though, at the wastefulness of our society.

Just remember...

Dumpster Diving is Love.

another speaking engagement

2006-02-22T15:48:00.000-06:00

Street Medic training this weekend - that should be good. It's always good to get a chance to brush up on those skills. And always good to get to meet other radicals from the area! I'm really looking forward to it. I just am crossing my fingers and praying it will be drama-free.

I have no way to pay rent next month or any of my bills. I'm getting paid quite a bit, in late March, but until then I have no way of paying anything. I'm not sure what to do about that. I've been looking for a job, but no luck yet. Meh. I'm tired of the stressed-sick feeling that comes with worrying constantly about money.

I got an offer to speak next month at Boston College, and I'm really looking forward to that. I miss the East Coast, and I love the Boston area. And there are some people in the area who I really hope can make it to see me for the evening, cuz it would be awesome to hook up with them.

Not to mention how nice it will be to get paid. Somehow, getting paid for speaking feels kind of dirty to me, still. I didn't start doing this for money. I started doing this because of Shymmer, and Paul, and Remyremy, and all the other street kids I've known who've died senseless deaths, and all the other queer kids I've known whose parents have rejected them. I started doing it because I constantly saw the world closing its eyes and pretending this wasn't happen, I got sick of hearing people saying "No! Things like that couldn't happen here!" and most of all I got sick of people who had encountered it sitting back and doing nothing.

But now, it seems, I am someone worth paying to hear. Really, I don't feel even slightly guilty for taking money from colleges. But I certainly would not ever ask for money for speaking for non-profit orgs.

I've been losing time again, falling "asleep" and waking up hours, days, weeks later. I guess my life is still going on alright, in my absence. But it never ceases to be disconcerting.

What is it with February?

2006-02-17T11:47:00.000-06:00

First, a belated Valentine's Day picture - what happens when you give August a box of conversation hearts and put a sleeping cat in front of him:

Anyway, this period from the 11th of February until two days from now is one of those stretches that pop up occasionally through the year (the end of August is another) that is filled with rather difficult and emotional dates for me.

11 February 2005: Shymmer's death. Obviously, not a happy anniversary, and it's hard to believe it's been a year. Of all the friends I've had who have died (and between AIDS and cancer and the violence that accompanies street life and the despair that accompanies that, I have seen a lot of death), Shymmer's haunts me the most. This, I believe, is because it was the most horrible - it was so easily preventable, at so many stages. From his parents kicking him out of the house to the sickening abuse in Chicago that aggravated his eating disorder to starving himself to death to the hospitals that flat-out refused to treat him, even when he was a skeleton, too weak to stand on his own and had to be carried through their doors.

14 February 2005: My first speech, at Equality Maryland's Valentine's Day rally. This ties in a lot with Shymmer, too, because he had died three days before and it was him, more than anyone else, that has set the tone for me of my activism in the past year. It was what I saw happening to him and so many like him (Remy? Paul? Their stories were similarly horrifying) that prompted me to try and do something about it - to try and make sure that people wouldn't continue to just overlook these things. But the 14th is important, because it was the first really public thing I did, and it got me started down this whole crazy year...

17 February 2004: Zeke's death. He was only 16, but still, it was fairly peaceful. He'd had cancer for a while, and after a life spent in darkness (he had a genetic disorder that prevented him from going out in the sun) I was glad his pain was over. I remember thinking, after I got off the phone with Matty, his partner, that it was a gorgeous sunny day and for the first time ever, he would be able to enjoy the sun with me. Zeke's death was also inadvertently responsible for my relationship with my now-ex girlfriend; I was in India at the time, and talking to Matty, I asked him if there was anything at all I could do to make things easier for him. There were a list of people he had who had been Zeke's friends and needed to be informed of his death, but Matty didn't know them too well or at all and he wasn't feeling emotionally up to calling a list of near-strangers and repeating over and over that his partner had died. Bria was on that list, so it ended up being me who called to tell her - a strange beginning to a strange relationship. So, inadvertently, Zeke was responsible for our meeting - I have him to thank, or to blame, depending on my mood.

19 February 1987: Matty's birthday. Matty killed himself this past spring, on my birthday. With suicide, I always am left with a feeling, rightly or wrongly, that there was something more we could have done. But then - emotional pain can be as intense, and as incurable, as something like cancer. Matty never really recovered from losing Zeke, and combined with a lot of other pressures in his life, his choice was to end it. I can't really fault him for it. I just pray he has peace, now, and he and Zeke are together again.

So, there it is - 8 days that are filled with a lot of dates that can be painful to remember. Combined with everything else that's been going on in my life these days - rape, losing friends, breaking up with my girlfriend, financial difficulties - I've been finding it harder and harder to stay in the world, myself. I feel like maybe I should sleep through the next month.

I'm a Christian Anarchist!

2006-02-09T21:01:00.000-06:00

Yeah. I guess I got only 95% for Christian anarchist because I didn't COMPLETELY agree with the question on non-violence. I believe that there are for sure times when violence is justified and necessary to prevent greater evils. There are some rapists I have known that I would have no problem castrating ^_~ And sometimes war is about the only way to deal with some wrongs. But only in extreme circumstances, as an absolute last resort.

You scored as Christian Anarchist. Christian anarchism is one of the oldest anarchist philosophies, arguably dating back to the early Christian church. Christian anarchists emphasise non-violence and oppose the state as God is the only legitimate source of authority. Key thinkers include the Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy.

Christian Anarchist

95%

Anarcha-Feminist

90%

Anarcho-Communist

75%

Anarcho-Syndicalist

70%

Anarcho-Primitivist

55%

Anarcho-Capitalist

25%

What kind of Anarchist are you?

created with QuizFarm.com

Atelophobia & Integrity

2006-02-05T19:33:00.000-06:00

In the days since breaking up with Bria, we've had a number of - fights? Arguments? Discussions? I'm not sure which word is appropriate. During the latest, she said something to me that made me stop and think a lot; not just about our failed relationship but about how I view the world in general. She was accusing me of being too demanding, of expecting too much (honesty, apparently, being "too much"), and in the course of this she accused me of always trying to be perfect, suggesting that this was somehow a shortcoming because nobody can be perfect, so working towards that is unrealistic and a character flaw.

Later, I thought back to this remark, this accusation that it was wrong to aim for perfection. Something really bothered me about it, and after some thought, I figured it out. I did this, as I have the habit of doing, by thinking about my family (the real one, not the one that shares my blood.) I thought to myself, "That is a statement that none of them would ever have said." - and then proceeded to think about WHY none of them would ever have said something like that, because then I might have my answer.

The simple answer is that none of them would have said it because they are good people.

I'm not sure how all of you would define good; but to me, being good is basically defined by that struggle, the struggle for perfection - not in some superficial sense, but in the sense that, when it comes down to it, you try to always act and make decisions in a way that is in alignment with what you truly believe to be the right thing to do. Yes, nobody is perfect, but the fact that nobody is perfect should not stop someone from trying to be good. This attitude like, "Oh, well, I'm going to screw up anyway, and so does everyone else, so I might as well lie/cheat/be a hypocrite/etc." is, perhaps, what is wrong with most of the world - and it was just this attitude that seemed so out of place in the world.

The average person, I believe, lacks integrity. When nobody's watching, when there wouldn't be any repercussions, when nobody would find out, I doubt that the average person would choose to do what is right at the expense of what is pleasurable/convenient/easy.

When I look at the people I have chosen to get close to, all the people who I consider my closest friends, that is one thing - perhaps the only thing - that they uniformly have in common. Integrity, that strange blend of being honest, trying your hardest to have your actions conform to what you profess to believe (for in the end, isn't hypocrisy another form of lying?), and having enough self-respect to do the right thing when nobody is watching.

It's something that all those I really love have, but it is something that is in short supply in the world.

So when she accused me of having standards that were too high, of holding her to an unrealistic ideal, at first I said to her, no, I'm not! All I want, all I ever wanted and "demanded", was honesty. All I ever demanded was to be with someone I could trust - to not lie to me, to be the same person when I wasn't watching that they were when I was, to act in the way the ideals they paid lipservice to would suggest they would act.

But after further reflection, I realized that she was right. My standards were high. My Anjuls, I think, have ruined it for me - broken my bell curve, as Aldo said. (That's what I get for hanging out with anarchists and activists, eh?)

Because the average person doesn't have much integrity - not in the true sense. When it comes down to it, most people would choose convenience over conscience. Most people wouldn't strive for perfection. Most people would accept that the world is in bad shape, people are in bad shape, so screw trying to be better or fix anything, let's just do what is easier.

And that's fine - for most people. But I don't let most people into my heart, my life, my bed. Integrity is a lot to ask of someone, in that it is somewhere above what the average person has.

Sadly, though, it's one of those things that I'm discovering I can't just do without in a partner.

Verve!

2006-01-30T11:56:00.000-06:00

verve (vûrv)
n.

Energy and enthusiasm in the expression of ideas, especially in artistic performance or composition: The revival lacked the verve of the original musical.
Vitality; liveliness..

So I've left my Xanga home in favor of this one. I'm not sure why, except that everything in my life, for the most part, has changed in the past year or so, and it only seems fitting.

Between India and going crazy and being homeless and having my life dissected in the national media and trying to turn my life into something worthwhile with my adopted family and the activism I've been doing,

I just don't feel particularly misled, anymore. Not that I have completely untangled life, because who ever does? But I think that my actions these days are a lot more directed, thought out, and guided than they were 5 years ago.

I'm replacing my aimlessness and angst with energy, life, activism; or trying to.

"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us." - and that is what I intend to do.